I used to ask myself “How much pain can my heart take?” while absent-mindedly wondering what amount of pain and anguish would finally make me break into a million pieces. A lot of people in this world ask the same thing every single day, and honestly, it’s a stupid question. Do you really expect someone else to be able to tell you how much pain your heart can take? And are you really going to keep blaming all of your suffering on your heart? Mind over matter. Our mind speaks first, no matter how fairytale-like you want to live. We think things through before we do them, whether it’s for weeks, months, or five seconds. Every feeling that consumes you, every heart break that rips you apart, and every tear that slides down your face can only be blamed on yourself. No one can make you feel what you don’t want to feel. No one can make you do what you don’t want to do. No one in this world can take credit for your stupid decisions but you, and it’s about time everyone starts realizing that.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
"She's got this journal filled, with all her black ink guilt..."
I guess now that I've established what this blog is for, and something I wrote a million years ago, I might actually put this dandy thing to use. Honestly though? I love to write, but I never know how. I'm sitting here like "hmm..." should my first "official" blog be about me? What I like? All that corny stuff? Or should it completely out of nowhere be some huge bomb-shell about my life? Should this even be about me? Yeah, I'm sitting here rambling to myself about a blog that honestly no one will probably ever read, but hey, it matters to me...and I guess that's what counts.
Let's go with lame and corny.
Right now I am a freshman at Western Kentucky University (WKU) and if you ask me what my major is I'll probably tell you 7 different things...I'm that unsure. That's another thing people tell me "you should follow your heart" and "do what you wanna do" about, but I want to do a lot of things. I want to draw, it's what I do. But I want to be a very successful orthopedic surgeon. Truthfully, I want to write a book, and everyone tells me I should. I want to study abroad in England, which I've been offered. I want to leave far, far away and never look. I want to marry the boy I'm crazy with, make a wonderful family, and live in a small town. I want to be famous in a big city. Yeah, don't ask me what I want...because that's the thing, I want it all.
Let's go with lame and corny.
Right now I am a freshman at Western Kentucky University (WKU) and if you ask me what my major is I'll probably tell you 7 different things...I'm that unsure. That's another thing people tell me "you should follow your heart" and "do what you wanna do" about, but I want to do a lot of things. I want to draw, it's what I do. But I want to be a very successful orthopedic surgeon. Truthfully, I want to write a book, and everyone tells me I should. I want to study abroad in England, which I've been offered. I want to leave far, far away and never look. I want to marry the boy I'm crazy with, make a wonderful family, and live in a small town. I want to be famous in a big city. Yeah, don't ask me what I want...because that's the thing, I want it all.
Let's rewind...
This is what I wrote write before senior graduation, and it still applies.
We all walked into high school thinking it was the scariest, coolest, most life-changing thing that had ever happened to us. We either edged in or dove in, but once we were there we just wanted to fit in. Half way through, we just wanted it to be over. We were tired of swimming with the same fish. Tired of having to fit in, or do what everyone else wanted. Towards the end though, we realized that didn't matter. We just started to enjoy where we were at. We started taking literal that "live for today" thing we'd heard the last couple years. We realized that the "end" came a lot faster than we thought it would, like everyone had said, and that we just wanted to go back to the beginning. Maybe we'd appreciate it more. At the end, now, we finally realized it was never about the clothes we wore, it was never about the way we looked or how we acted, it wasn't necessarily about the parties we went to, it wasn't really about any of that. It was about the memories we made at those places. It was about the friendships we had made, we had lost, and we had earned. It wasn't about the person we were in high school, it was about the person we became because of high school. Because of the friendships, the memories. We realize the rumors, the mistakes, and the regrets, hadn't destroyed us or made us an awful person, they had made us learn. They had made us smarter. They had made us stronger. The people there made us the people we are now and it wasn't about school anymore, it was all about the friends we made there.
We might not remember who's party we went to, but we remembered the great time we had. We might not remember where we went that first date, but we remember that first kiss. We don't remember the fight, but we remember the first heart break. We might not remember where we met, but we remember when we became best friends. We remember the tears that brought us closer, the fights that broke us, the laughs that tied us together, the feelings that you could never replace, never explain, and never forget. There won't be remembering every score of every game, but you remember how it felt going to state, or you remember how it felt watching your school there, and winning or losing it was a feeling you never will lose. You won't remember how nervous you were about your dance recital, but you'll remember how it felt knowing that all of your family and friends were there to see those 13 years come to an end on that stage.
We started realizing that it wasn't the parties, dances, proms, and stuff that were our best memories. Maybe it was a random day at the pool, a typical night with the girls watching movies, maybe it was riding around in a car for hours with people you trusted just laughing and telling secrets and traveling from town to town until midnight, or just going to the same persons house every day for a week with a bunch of people hanging out. Maybe it was hanging in a library together, walking the hallways instead of class, sitting in McDonalds for hours talking about nothing.
I might not remember how to conjugate years from now, but I'll remember the person on my mind when I wasn't paying attention in class. I won't remember when I learned the presidents, but I'll remember when I learned to drive a stick shift...I won't remember the teacher of my class, but I'll remember the person who moved my hands through the gears. I won't remember my first day of a school year, but I'll remember the summer walking up and down the street holding hands. I won't remember who I went to a party with but I'll remember the person I ended up taking care of and becoming close with.
People are sad that high school is ending because they're losing the people they've sent it with. But look in your head. They will always be there in your memories, they will always be a part of you, because they made you who you are today.
I can't end high school and say that I have had the chance to have the same friends my whole life, or even since the beginning of high school. I haven't had that. But I can say that I have had some of the greatest friendships, relationships, and memories that anyone can ask for, some of the greatest times, and unforgettable days and nights. I've probably had more of these than most people could imagine, with more people than most people can. And for that, I think I'm pretty lucky.
I used to be extremely jealous of any of the kids who had grown up together since Kindergarden, like Allen Co., Barren Co., BG, Glasgow, etc., and I figure a part of me always will be. They had the opportunity to grow up with the same friends their whole lives. They made life long bonds. No matter what they do, deep down their friends will always forgive them, not only because they know the person that they are, but because they know why. I didn't think they truly understood the gift they had. Then again, I didn't understand the gift I had.
I was so envious of those tight circles that I didn't realize how blessed I was to have had the opportunity to know as many people as I did. To have made all the memories I did. I mean I guess I can say that I'm one of the few kids on Facebook who can have almost 3000 friends and actually know most of them. Haha. I moved to Kentucky at the end of 5th grade, and got to go to Bristow for the last month of school. 6th and 7th grade I went to BGJHS, and in 8th grade I went to BGCA. Freshman year through the first half of Senior year, I went to Greenwood, and then second half I went to Warren Central. I kind of left early, and I found a way to graduate early and I jumped on it. I can say today that I know the majority of kids at every school at Bowling Green, at Greenwood, at Central, I used to know a lot of kids at East, I know the majority of people at Allen Co., I know a lot of people from Barren Co. and Glasgow. I have friends who live in Louisville, and now I know people at a lot of different colleges. It took me complaining about what I didn't have, to truly realize how lucky I was to have had the opportunity to know the people I know.
All of the different friendships I had, the diversity of schools, towns, and people, made me the girl who doesn't judge people for who they are or where they come from. Made me accepting, made me forgiving, made me different. Thinking back, I wanted so much different, but now I wouldn't trade all the memories I've had the chance to make for anything in the world.
Back to the point, we all wanted it to end. Now we don't want it to go away, we wanna start over, go back. But we can't. And in the end, you'll be glad you didn't, that you couldn't. If you could go back and start it over, you might not have the friendships you have. The memories wouldn't be there. You wouldn't be the person you are today, or have the people you do today. If you're starting high school, as cliche as it sounds, embrace it and enjoy it because it'll be gone before you know it. If you're tired of high school, look around you and realize what you have and appreciate where you're at. If high school is over for you, well, we made it...and it wasn't that bad after all.
I have grown into such a different person than I was 4 years ago, you can ask all 3000 of my Facebook friends that. Heck I've changed in 4 months. And I'm still growing. We all are. That's what high school was for. To make us grow, and it did a damn good job, whether you realize it or not right now. I've made mistakes, you've made mistakes, we've all had regrets, we've all had hard times, but we've had great memories, had great friendships, lost people, and loved people. It all really did happen for a reason. To make us who we are today. Here is to the friends who turned into family, nights into mornings, mistakes to lessons, friendships to love, the beginning...to the end. I might not have liked it then, but looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. This is to who we are today, the people who know why, and the people that made us that way.
Whether you've grown up with the same people, or gotten to move around a lot, appreciate all of those people. Look back and realize there's a reason it's over. That door is closed, but not to leave you trapped. A new one opened. We are going out into the real world. Whether it's college or whatever you may choose, it's here now. This is it. But you'll always be a part of the class of 2011. No matter what school you're from. No one can change that. So don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
To all of the friends I have, the friends I lost, the friends I've gained, the people who I love, the people who love me, the people who unfortunately hate me. To the people who learned from me, the people who I learned from. This is for you. I can't go back and change anything that happened, and as I said, I wouldn't. I thank you, no matter who you are, for the part you've had in my life and I hope, with all my heart, to everyone, that I've had the chance to make an impact on your life near as much as you've had on mine. I wouldn't give up one person, one moment, or unmeet a single soul. We all got eachother to where we are today.
We all walked into high school thinking it was the scariest, coolest, most life-changing thing that had ever happened to us. We either edged in or dove in, but once we were there we just wanted to fit in. Half way through, we just wanted it to be over. We were tired of swimming with the same fish. Tired of having to fit in, or do what everyone else wanted. Towards the end though, we realized that didn't matter. We just started to enjoy where we were at. We started taking literal that "live for today" thing we'd heard the last couple years. We realized that the "end" came a lot faster than we thought it would, like everyone had said, and that we just wanted to go back to the beginning. Maybe we'd appreciate it more. At the end, now, we finally realized it was never about the clothes we wore, it was never about the way we looked or how we acted, it wasn't necessarily about the parties we went to, it wasn't really about any of that. It was about the memories we made at those places. It was about the friendships we had made, we had lost, and we had earned. It wasn't about the person we were in high school, it was about the person we became because of high school. Because of the friendships, the memories. We realize the rumors, the mistakes, and the regrets, hadn't destroyed us or made us an awful person, they had made us learn. They had made us smarter. They had made us stronger. The people there made us the people we are now and it wasn't about school anymore, it was all about the friends we made there.
We might not remember who's party we went to, but we remembered the great time we had. We might not remember where we went that first date, but we remember that first kiss. We don't remember the fight, but we remember the first heart break. We might not remember where we met, but we remember when we became best friends. We remember the tears that brought us closer, the fights that broke us, the laughs that tied us together, the feelings that you could never replace, never explain, and never forget. There won't be remembering every score of every game, but you remember how it felt going to state, or you remember how it felt watching your school there, and winning or losing it was a feeling you never will lose. You won't remember how nervous you were about your dance recital, but you'll remember how it felt knowing that all of your family and friends were there to see those 13 years come to an end on that stage.
We started realizing that it wasn't the parties, dances, proms, and stuff that were our best memories. Maybe it was a random day at the pool, a typical night with the girls watching movies, maybe it was riding around in a car for hours with people you trusted just laughing and telling secrets and traveling from town to town until midnight, or just going to the same persons house every day for a week with a bunch of people hanging out. Maybe it was hanging in a library together, walking the hallways instead of class, sitting in McDonalds for hours talking about nothing.
I might not remember how to conjugate years from now, but I'll remember the person on my mind when I wasn't paying attention in class. I won't remember when I learned the presidents, but I'll remember when I learned to drive a stick shift...I won't remember the teacher of my class, but I'll remember the person who moved my hands through the gears. I won't remember my first day of a school year, but I'll remember the summer walking up and down the street holding hands. I won't remember who I went to a party with but I'll remember the person I ended up taking care of and becoming close with.
People are sad that high school is ending because they're losing the people they've sent it with. But look in your head. They will always be there in your memories, they will always be a part of you, because they made you who you are today.
I can't end high school and say that I have had the chance to have the same friends my whole life, or even since the beginning of high school. I haven't had that. But I can say that I have had some of the greatest friendships, relationships, and memories that anyone can ask for, some of the greatest times, and unforgettable days and nights. I've probably had more of these than most people could imagine, with more people than most people can. And for that, I think I'm pretty lucky.
I used to be extremely jealous of any of the kids who had grown up together since Kindergarden, like Allen Co., Barren Co., BG, Glasgow, etc., and I figure a part of me always will be. They had the opportunity to grow up with the same friends their whole lives. They made life long bonds. No matter what they do, deep down their friends will always forgive them, not only because they know the person that they are, but because they know why. I didn't think they truly understood the gift they had. Then again, I didn't understand the gift I had.
I was so envious of those tight circles that I didn't realize how blessed I was to have had the opportunity to know as many people as I did. To have made all the memories I did. I mean I guess I can say that I'm one of the few kids on Facebook who can have almost 3000 friends and actually know most of them. Haha. I moved to Kentucky at the end of 5th grade, and got to go to Bristow for the last month of school. 6th and 7th grade I went to BGJHS, and in 8th grade I went to BGCA. Freshman year through the first half of Senior year, I went to Greenwood, and then second half I went to Warren Central. I kind of left early, and I found a way to graduate early and I jumped on it. I can say today that I know the majority of kids at every school at Bowling Green, at Greenwood, at Central, I used to know a lot of kids at East, I know the majority of people at Allen Co., I know a lot of people from Barren Co. and Glasgow. I have friends who live in Louisville, and now I know people at a lot of different colleges. It took me complaining about what I didn't have, to truly realize how lucky I was to have had the opportunity to know the people I know.
All of the different friendships I had, the diversity of schools, towns, and people, made me the girl who doesn't judge people for who they are or where they come from. Made me accepting, made me forgiving, made me different. Thinking back, I wanted so much different, but now I wouldn't trade all the memories I've had the chance to make for anything in the world.
Back to the point, we all wanted it to end. Now we don't want it to go away, we wanna start over, go back. But we can't. And in the end, you'll be glad you didn't, that you couldn't. If you could go back and start it over, you might not have the friendships you have. The memories wouldn't be there. You wouldn't be the person you are today, or have the people you do today. If you're starting high school, as cliche as it sounds, embrace it and enjoy it because it'll be gone before you know it. If you're tired of high school, look around you and realize what you have and appreciate where you're at. If high school is over for you, well, we made it...and it wasn't that bad after all.
I have grown into such a different person than I was 4 years ago, you can ask all 3000 of my Facebook friends that. Heck I've changed in 4 months. And I'm still growing. We all are. That's what high school was for. To make us grow, and it did a damn good job, whether you realize it or not right now. I've made mistakes, you've made mistakes, we've all had regrets, we've all had hard times, but we've had great memories, had great friendships, lost people, and loved people. It all really did happen for a reason. To make us who we are today. Here is to the friends who turned into family, nights into mornings, mistakes to lessons, friendships to love, the beginning...to the end. I might not have liked it then, but looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. This is to who we are today, the people who know why, and the people that made us that way.
Whether you've grown up with the same people, or gotten to move around a lot, appreciate all of those people. Look back and realize there's a reason it's over. That door is closed, but not to leave you trapped. A new one opened. We are going out into the real world. Whether it's college or whatever you may choose, it's here now. This is it. But you'll always be a part of the class of 2011. No matter what school you're from. No one can change that. So don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
To all of the friends I have, the friends I lost, the friends I've gained, the people who I love, the people who love me, the people who unfortunately hate me. To the people who learned from me, the people who I learned from. This is for you. I can't go back and change anything that happened, and as I said, I wouldn't. I thank you, no matter who you are, for the part you've had in my life and I hope, with all my heart, to everyone, that I've had the chance to make an impact on your life near as much as you've had on mine. I wouldn't give up one person, one moment, or unmeet a single soul. We all got eachother to where we are today.
...but this is what it is.
They say when you start to write something, you’re supposed to write it from your heart. You’re not supposed to listen to what other people say, you’re not supposed to let other people’s opinions effect your decisions, and it’s supposed to be how you want it to be. What happens if you can’t explain how your heart feels? What if other people’s opinions and views are what helped create your life? What if your life is what other people made it, and that’s how you want it to be? Well, I'm what happens.
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